The Real Ralph

Hello, humanlings and earthoids! You are now embarked upon a journey that will most certainly change the way you think forever!

Many people (at least two or three) have asked me, "Who is this Ralph Spoilsport?” Well, dear friends, let me tell you, Ralph is a real person. In fact, he's more than one person! Ralph Spoilsport is Everyman! Anywhere marketing people, ad execs, hucksters, jivers, sham artists are, there is Ralph!

Actually, Ralph Spoilsport was conceived by Mr. Phil Proctor of The Firesign Theatre in the late sixties as a character on their second album, "How Can You Be In Two Places At Once When You're Not Anywhere At All?", otherwise known as the "All Hail Marx/Lennon" album (see cover at right). Anyone who has ever heard that album would remember the "fabulous new car, fully equipped with factory air conditioning from our fully factory air conditioned factory".

A parody on real-life Southern California car huckster Ralph Williams, Mr. Spoilsport's spirit is alive and well in towns and burgs across this vast land of ours. Here in Kansas City, we had Colonel Billy for Boots Williams Ford and Hap Hazard and his wife, Miz Hap, who purveyed fine automobiles over the airwaves in the corniest manner possible.

I have appropriated Ralph's right-hand man, the Head Mechanic, as my alter-ego and your guide to the wacky world of Tim Osburn. He said I could use Ralph! I’m not hot doggin’ ya! I’ve got proof and everything that I have Phil’s blessing (links open in new window)! Should you be interested in The Firesign Theatre, you can follow the links below for more stuff about them. Thanks for asking and remember Ralph sez, "Do it today, because there may not be a tomorrow!"

THE MANTRA- click for a short commercial- made it myself!

Hiya friends! Ralph Spoilsport, Ralph Spoilsport Motors- the world’s largest new used and used new car automobile dealership- Ralph Spoilsport Motors- right here in the city of EMPHYSEMA!

Let’'s just look at the extras on this fabulous car! Wire-wheel spoke fenders and two-way sneeze wind vents, star-studded mud guard, sponge-coated edible steering column, chrome fender dents and factory air conditioned air from our fully factory-equipped air conditioned factory!

It’'s a beautiful car, friends, with doors to match! Birch'’s Blacklist says this car was stolen, but for you, friends, a complete price: only two-ninety-five hundred dollars in easy monthly payments of twenty dollars a week, twice a week and never on Sunday! Right here at Ralph Spoilsport Motors, the world’s largest!

ALL THINGS FIRESIGN- click here to be carried away to The Theatre...

Being a Firehead (as fans call themselves) is a little like being in a secretive club, like the Masons or the Shriners except instead of aprons, silly hats and secret handshakes, we know others by slipping lines from their oeuvre into daily conversation. A nod and a wink and, perhaps, the recitation of the next line indicates membership.

PLANET PROCTOR- enter through Time Warp Two...

Mssr. Proctor’s interactive humor webzine. You can even sign up to have it delivered to your own in box- absolutely free!

BOOMERS ON A BENCH- Click to get to their YouTube channel...

The News (not fake) re-told and re-tooled in a funny, wacky way by two hilarious Boomers (Phil Proctor and Jamie Alcroft). And featuring, in several episodes, The Ralph Spoilsport Motors Polo shirt (not available in stores!).

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Ralph Spoilsport

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